Jokes

It is for the Olympic Games for handicapped persons.

In the pond of swimming 3 handicapped persons compete for finale of the 50m freestyle.

The first one has no legs. The second has no arm. Finally the third has neither leg nor arm.

The departure is given. The first one gains(wins) the journey(running), the second arrives at some seconds from the first one. Finally the third which has neither arm nor legs, having thrown(cast) itself in the water pours and meets itself in the heart of the swimming pool.

Rescuers, terrified, rush to save him(it), and returns him(it) to the surface.

One asks him(her):

- But which idea to participate in the Olympic Games if you do not know how to swim!

This one answers:

- But I know very well how to swim. I trained two years to swim with my ears, but there are idiots who put me a hat...


The commercial sense(direction):

Before signing a contract, a manufacturer visits a factory which produces objects has base of cahoutchouc. It is the Director personally who makes do him(her) the tour of the proprietaire. They arretent in front of a premiere hatches which(who) emits(utters) strange sounds. Dông... Plouss. Dông... Plouss.

- " You see " explains the Director has the hote, " here one makes dummies for the feeding-bottles of the babies... " The "dông", it is when dummy is molded by the machine and the " plouss ", it is when it drills a hole has the interieur. You follow me? "

Both partners stop(arrest) then in front of another machine which produces only "dông" with rehearsal: Dông, dông, dông, dông...

- " It is what, that? " Interrogate the guest.

- " That, it is the machine which makes gloves of dishes " explains the Director. " Obviously they are waterproof(impervious), it is for it that you hear(understand) only " dông "...

They pursue both the visit of the factory and stop(arrest) in front of the workshop(studio) of conception of condoms. The guest is trés surprised when he listens: Dông... Dông... Dông.. Plouss. Dông... Dông... Dông... Plouss. And it(he) calls at once to the Director:

" Please , Say I, your machine is defective, it makes(does) holes in condoms. "

The proprietaire of places explains: " Yes, a preservatif on four which goes out of the factory is perçé. "

- " But it is not tres check for the reputation of the mark(brand) this history? " The shady guest answers.

And the Director of repliquer: " Not but it is excellent for the business of dummies... "


Do you know the common point among a woman and a swimming pool?

- They cost expensive to maintain for little that one is inside.

 

  It is what a woman except her kitchen?

- A happy woman one has to extend him(her) its leash!

 

  Do you know the difference between one limps with Wiskas and a woman?

- In Whiskas one sometimes finds a little heart and a little brains...

 

The women it is as pans,

- To make with them reason, it is necessary to type above!

 

It is the woman who could not refrain from being tormented nails.

Then one of his(her) friends says to him:

- You should take classes(courses) of yoga, that would deprive of you the stress.

A little while later, they cross themselves again, and the friend seeing that his(her) friend has beautiful very long nails he said:

- I see that the yoga made a success of you. You are not tormented any more nails?!

And she answers:

- No, but since the yoga, I manage to reach(affect) toenails.

 

Why the statue of the freedom is a woman?

- Because they needed an empty head to make(do) a restaurant...

 

What she(it) is the smallest prison of the world?

- The brain of a woman, the single cell

 

Why the women do not ever leave in the winter sports?

- Have already seen you some snow in the kitchen

 

When two women agree, it is generally on the back of a third...

 

A lad in the other one: " My wife speaks so that last winter, when one went to pass 2 weeks in Cuba, she returned in the country with a sunstroke on the language. "

 

What is what is the most painful when a man wants to be transformed into woman at a surgeon?

- The ablation of the brain.

 

The women need 4 animals: a jaguar in the garage a mink on the back a lion in the bed and the ass to pay invoices

 

Who contains full of balls and which(who) makes the old women raving?

- The sphere of a game(set) of bingo

 

What is the biggest defect of the women?

Her husband!!!

 

What animal gets fat(grows) of 500 kg in night?

The woman: in the evening one says to him(her): " Good evening, my flea(chip) "

And the morning " Raises you big cow! "

 

The silence is the only golden thing(matter) which the women hate.

( Mary Wilson Little)

 

What is the difference between a woman and a fly?

- The fly, she(it) pisses off us that in August!!!

 

What say themselves two feminine neurones when they meet?

" What was kept silent madmen here??? "

 

When a woman keeps silent, it is that she is going to say something.

 

The women are as mirrors, they think but do not think.

( Schopenhauer)

 

The bigamy consists in having a woman of excess; the monogamy also.

 

My wife is as a French invention: it is I who found him(it) and they are the others which(who) take advantage of it.

 

Bun spacial

The experts of the NASA have retouve recemment her(it) limps black of Challanger who has explodes: the last words are

" Not this button silly bitch "

 

 

Why the women close eyes during the love?

- They can not support(bear) to see the man setting of the pleasure.

 

What to make(do) if your dishwasher does not want to work any more?

- Please , kick him(her) in the bottom

 

Why 95 % of the women do they take the contraceptive pill and only 5 % the aspirin?

- Because the majority of the women use more often the bottom than the head.

 

It is not necessary to judge a woman on what says, it shall be really too inequitable for her(it)

 

Why the 40-year-old women like so much making love?

- Because they always have the impression(printing) that it is the last time..

 

That would make(do) the men(people) without woman

- They would tame another animal!

 

It is the fellow who says: " I got married twice, two failures(chess)!! "

- The first cleared off, second her(it) stayed

 

Where are the women the most frizzy?

- In Africa.

 

Once where I was in Paris in a big hotel, I was in the elevator, only.

The elevator stopped(arrested) before one arrives at my floor. A pulpy blonde(lager) (and certainly evaporated) rises.

Doors close and immediately she asks me to remove my shirt.

I make(do) him(it).

Then she asks me to remove my shoes.

I make(do) him(it).

Finally she asks me to remove all the rest and then she whispers me to the ear: " and now, make me feel(smell) that I am a woman... "

Then I took my clothes, and I said to him(her): " All right, you can go to wash that now "

 

In an elevator, there is a worker, an intelligent woman and a Father Christmas. The one of them goes to the sixth, which?

The worker, because the Father Christmas and the intelligent woman does not exist.

 

The woman is, according to the Bible, the last thing(matter) which God made(did). It(he) has of to make(do) her(it) on Saturdays evenings. One feels(smells) the fatigue.

( Alexandre Dumas son(thread))

 

Why have the women problems to have an orgasm?

- One messes it.

 

Why the women scratch themselves the tete in reveillant?

- Because they have no testicles!

 

How one calls that a man who says mess to a woman whom he does not know?

- Of the sexual harassing

How one calls that a woman who says mess to a man whom she does not know?

- Of the 08 36 70 69 69 (15 francs per minute).

 

Why the women feign the enjoyment?

- The men(people) feign well the preliminary...

Or-

- Because they imagine that that has of the interest for us

 

- What is what a woman who lost all her intellectual abilities?

- A widow!

 

The husband to his wife:

- And if one tried a new position this evening?

The woman:

- Ouais, I am 100 % all right: You are going to put youself in front of the ironing board; AND I I shall light(switch on) the TV, I shall go to bed on the sofa and what I shall crack conscientiously.

 

If the man was creates before the woman, it was to allow him(her) to place some words!

(Jules Renard)

 

.. The difficulty for the bachelors(single women) it is to undress the women.

- For the husbands it is to dress them.

 

The migraine

 

It is the type which goes to the zoo with his wife, they arrive in front of the railing(bars) of the gorilla, the said type has his wife:

- Being loved, make(do) I pleasure, show he your bosoms.

- No, but ca goes not?

- Please , go, make(do) ca, there is nobody, please me.

The woman lifts(raises) her shirt and shows her bosoms to the monkey who begins has to be tremendously incites.

- Darling, lifts(raises) your skirt, please , go, there is nobody, make(do) ca for me

- Are to you completely barjo??

- Please , go, make(do) ca for me, look at the poor animal it(he) is satisfied and ca nothing costs you.

She(it) lifts(raises) her(its) skirt, the monkey began climbing on bars,

The husband opens the cage, pushes the woman inside and him said:

- Now, tell him(her) that you have the migraine..

 

 

How can one give more freedom to a woman?

- By widening the kitchen.

 

God made(did) the so complete man that(as) it was necessary him(her) to put genitalia outside.

- For the woman, there was of the place of free.

 

A rich man is a man who gains(wins) more that his wife spends...

 

Your wife is always also beautiful?

 

Two old friends meet after several years without having seen itself. They discuss in the terrace of a coffee(cafe) and in the conversation, the one says in the other one:

" - Your wife is always also beautiful? "

The other one answers him(her):

" - Oh yes, that sets to him(her) just a little more time. "

 

 

I I like not the red

 

Charming one motorist is stopped(arrested) in a red light. The fire passes green, orange-coloured, red, green, orange-coloured, red, then still green...

She(it) does not move.

An agent approaches:

- Then, we have no colour which pleases you?

 

 

Why god invented the alcohol?

- So that the ugly women can fall.

 

Beautiful or intelligent?

 

A woman asks has her husband:

- What feminine type would you prefer to have? A very intelligent woman or a very beautiful woman?

- But none of both, loved. You know well that it is you whom I chose.

 

 

The women say only 2 truths a day:

The first in the morning by getting up and the second in the evening by going to bed. Here is which are these truths:

The first it is: " Or, it is necessary that I get up, I have full of thing(matter) to be made(done) today "

The second: " Pfuiii I am leaky, and in more I had anything the time to make(do) of day "

 

In the subway of seven o'clock in the evening, a girl feels(smells) a male hand which ventures at the bottom of its loins. She(it) turns around and breaks:

- Being said so! You could not put your hands somewhere else?

- Euuh. makes(does) a small voice(vote), I would want, but I do not dare!

 

2 friends:

- You smoke, you, after the love?

- Ch' know not I have never looked.

 

A prostitute visits her gynecologist. This one asks him(her):

- You lose a lot hanging your rules(rulers)?

- Bof! 2000 or 3000 balls

 

What is the difference between a woman and a bitch?

- The price of the necklace.

 

How to caress(cherish) a woman in 16 departments at the same moment?

 

It is at first necessary to find a woman in the Moselle, to make sure that it is the Seine and indeed there Expensively. When one feels(smells) its Eure come, one begins by caressing(cherishing) him(her) the Height - Rhine then one goes down(falls) towards the Bottom - Rhine. One by-passes then Aisne to enter the Creuse. There, one finds something of the good the Doubs... Without losing the North, one wait that that Vienna and if one does not manage as one La Manche, one can there stay to the Aube. As a matter of fact, it is a question Pas-de-Calais (of pronouncing in Francis Cabrel) to be the Hérault.

 

 

What is the difference between a big woman, and slippers?

- Nobody, one is very inside, but one does not go out with!!!

 

Between what toes are the women the touchiest?

- among both big person(main part)!!!!

 

What is the difference between a factory and a woman?

- The factory sells(produces) boxes and the woman cashes cocks

 

What difference is there between a flying saucer and an intelligent woman?

- There is not there, everybody speaks about it, but one has never seen it.

 

How does one make(does) to marry a young, beautiful, rich and intelligent woman?

- One gets married four times!

 

How is one sure that God was not a woman?

- Because if God was a woman, then the sperm would have the taste of the chocolate... And the clitoris would feel(smell) the beer!

 

- the woman: What you like most at home? My spirit or my natural beauty?

- The husband: Your sense of humor

 

What is the difference between a woman and a tortoise?

- Nobody, it is enough to turn(return) them so that they move legs.

 

Why did God create the man 10 minutes before the woman?

- So that it(he) has the occasion to place one of it.

 

Why God invented the alcohol?

So that the ugly women can fuck...

 

Why did God give legs to the women?

To keep(guard) the best for the end...

Or

Because otherwise, one would follow them in the track, as the snails.

 

Do you know why there is no woman in the paradise?

- Because it would be the hell!

 

A woman worries about her future until the day when she gets married.

A man worries about his future from the day when he gets married.

 

What is the common point among a woman and a dustbin?

- In the 2 cases you fill her(it) all week long and you take out her(it) the weekend.

 

How is called the part(party) behind the sex at the woman?

- The jack because it is that balls type

 

What is the difference between a woman and a fence(close)?

- You are not to oblige to caress(cherish) the fence(close) before jumping her(it).

 

What is the difference between a dress(toilet) and a woman?

- One is not obliged to say " I love to you " in the dress(toilet) to discolour!

 

It is what the difference between a pregnant woman and a toast burned?

- Have to it it not!

- Both were removed too late!

 

A woman encircled with triplets and almost in the term of her pregnancy, is fired by a clumsy hunter during a walk in bit.

Carried(worn) to the hospital she is just saved as well as her three children, all boys.

 

About fifteen year passed by when one of the boys comes to see his(her) mother by shouting:

- Mom! Mom! I was pissing when a lead(shot) fell in the tub!

- Do not worry, answered the mother, it is that I had an accident during the pregnancy and she explains him(her) the history.

A little while later, his(her) second son comes to see her(it) by saying to him(her):

- Mom! Mom! I was pissing when a lead(shot) fell

In the tub!

- I know, I know. It is that....

Some days pass when the third son enters by shouting:

- Mom! Mom! You do not know what?

- Yes my son, you were pissing when a lead(shot) fell in the tub...

- No, mom! I staggered and I have the dog kills!!!

 

How calls up t one the disease of the crazy cow in France?

- The menopause

 

A man tightens(stretches out) a glass of apirine to his wife.

- But I have no migraine!

- Oh, then one can make love!

 

Two types discuss:

- You know that your wife does not put a breeches.

- Who it is who said it to you?

- My little finger.

 

A woman has her husband:

- I have a maid and a bad short story(piece of news) for you.

- Oh?

- I am going to leave you...

- Oh? And the bad short story(piece of news)?

 

What is the difference between a lift truck and a woman???

- Nobody! If has you it not, in both cases, you discolour in the hand.

 

Why the men(people) can not catch the disease of the crazy cow?

- because the men(people) are pigs

 

Why the women can not catch the disease of the crazy cow?

- Because the women are bitches

 

Why the women have smaller feet than the men(people)?

- To be held closer of the kitchen sink.

 

What is the feminine of " slept in front of the TV "?

- Up in front of the kitchen sink

 

A woman without bosoms, it is as a jeans without pockets: one does not know where to put hands.

 

It is the transsexuel which has just changed sex. Of man, he became a woman. It(he) is made interviewer by Morandini (in France so). Morandini demand in the transsexuel if the change of sex is a painful experience(experiment).

The transsexuel answers:

" Ben, when they cut me the penis and when they made me a vagina, that went still . Even when they implanted me some silicone in the breast, that went also.... "

" Then one can not say that you suffered really physically? "

" Oh yes! I badly had to die from it when they pushed me this needle in the head and when they inhaled(sucked up) me all the brains! "

 

How many true male macho men that sets to change an electric light bulb?

- One messes it... The bitch has only to cook in the black!!!

 

Please , come out why one took a woman to make(do) the statue of the freedom.

And indeed it is because ca an empty head set to make(do) the restaurant

 

Why do the men(people) ejaculate by jerks?

- Because the women swallow by mouthfuls.

 

Do you know why there is only 25 % of women in the sky?

- Because more than 25 %, it is the hell!!!

 

The difference between a woman and a terrorist?

- You can negotiate with a terrorist

  The women like especially at the man's(people) the secondary sexual characters:

The car, the wallet, the villa.

  You know what she says a girl when she sees a big cock?

- No!

- And indeed month I know!

  How much is it necessary of men(people) to polish a parquet(public prosecutor's department) of 200 m2?

- Nobody, it is women's job.

  What makes(does) a woman in the bed after the love?

- She(it) hampers(bothers)

It would have been recently proved that the beer contains feminine hormones... What makes(does) that after ten beers, a man does not know how to lead(drive) any more!

Another proof: a man, the truth, having drunk 5 liters of beers:

- Tell only bullshit,

- Is only getting it all wrong in car

  A drill sergeant asks his men(people):

- You run(drive) in Jeep, a helicopter chases you, that you do make?

The first one answers:

- I stop(arrest) and I hide in a bush.

Answer of the sergeant:

- Ouais, not bad. And you, what you make(do)?

- The second answers:

- I hide under the Jeep

Answer of the sergeant:

- Ouais, it is less indeed that. And you, what you make(do)?

And the last one says:

- I make(do) as the women: I put the indicator to the right and I turn to the left.

  Why have not the women penis?

- Because they think with the head.

  A guest murmurs to his neighbour:

- The champagne makes you beautiful

- But, I did not drink a single cup(cutting) of it

- Yes, but I I am there to my tenth

  The woman it is also the addition of the troubles, the subtraction of carries(wears) currency, the reproduction of the enemies and the division of the men(people).

  God created the universe and he lives that it was beautiful.

God created the Earth and he lives that it was beautiful.

God created the nature and he lives that it was beautiful.

God created animals and he lives that it was beautiful.

God created the man and he lives that it was beautiful.

God created the woman and then says himself: " Bof! She(it) will make up! "

  Why the women do not crack?

- Because they do not keep(guard) their mouth for a long time closed to have enough pressure.

  Why did the NASA decide to send women to the space?

- Because a woman is less heavy than one washes dishes.

  Two ladies discuss:

- You have already seen the face of your husband by making love?

- Once yes, it(he) looked at me exactly through the window of the bedroom, and it(he) was very angry...

  What is the difference between the bosoms of a woman and the electric train?

- Nobody, it is made(done) for the children and it is a dad who plays with...

He madam you have a plug on the ear!!!

- Ho shit that is that I have make(do) of my cigarette???

 

A chap goes into a shop of fine lingerie.

- I would like to buy one bra for my wife.

- Indeed, what cuts?

- Eh?! The size?? Ben wine storehouses not.

- Euh, let us see... She(it) has bosoms as grapefruits?

- Oooh noonn!

- How two apples then?

- Either, no!

- Then as two eggs??

- Being Ouuii, that's right!! How two scrambled eggs!

 

Why do not the women piss up?

- Because it is she(it) which(who) wash toilets(john).

 

 

Small guide in aid of the women.

 

1. The courtesy wants that you leave lifted(raised) the glasses of toilet when you ended.

2. If you prepare to have dinner for a man, never forget to include a part(party) of each of three big groups of male food: meat, frying, beer.

3. Please , do not make hold your purse by your man in public.

4. In spite of oppressive proofs of the opposite which can exist in bars, all the men(people) are not morons deserving only your contempt.

5. The shopping is not fascinating.

6. When your fellow asks you if you would agree for a part(party) in three with your best friend, he jokes....

7. Unless the answer is YES.

8. In in which case, he could register(record) him(it) in the camescope?

9. If you really want to find a nice lad, then , please , stop dredging holes - du-cul.

10. It is always the man who should light(switch on) and take charge of the barbecue

11. Make an arm of honor to a big fellow balaise in the steering wheel of his lorry when one doubles him(it) is not funny.

12. Money(silver) does not want to say love. Even if the man is very very rich.

13. Any attempt made(done) by a man to prepare to eat, even if the task seems ridiculously easy (i.e.: to cross(spend) bolinos in microwaves, to boil pastas, etc.) should be rented(praised) and rewarded in the same way as one rewards a baby who makes(does) his first steps alone.

14. Top model male in the perfect body are any gays. Please , accept him(it).

15. He heard(understood) you when you spoke to him(her)... But it(he) has already forgotten..

16. For a man, the definition of an ideal meeting it is the woman who says directement.: " Say, why not avoid spending all this money(silver) to have dinner? Why not to stay at home to make love how animals? "

17. If you want really of the honesty, do not ask question for which a honest answer will not please you.

18. But yes, NATURALLY, he wants another beer.

19. Whatever he says about it, he does not want that you remain SIMPLY FRIENDS.

20. Dogs, it is OK. Cats, it is not good.

21. Any sort of wound or traumatism involving(putting at stake) testicles has nothing of funny..

22. If you oblige him(it) to visit " Love Story " with you, you should owe, please , visit " Showgirls " with him.

23. " Very well. " An acceptable expression is not to close a quarrel.

24. Please , do not question the innate male sense(direction) of the orientation by suggesting that it stops(arrests) to ask for its road.

25. NO it(he) was not looking at this other girl.

26. Well, all right... Maybe of the corner(place) of the eye.

27. All right, all right, well then! It(he) looked at her(it). What fusses! As if you have never looked at the other type than at him?

28. The word "cat" has nothing of damaging(degrading).

29. He is the funniest, the strongest, the most elegant man whom you met.

30. And moreover all your friends him(it,her) think also. Especially the most good-looking.

31. Your (please , choose what is suited:) bottom / bosoms / hair / make-up / legs are very well. In fact, it(him) / they / they are really bandants. Then , please , stop asking the question.

32. If you want to have an attractive sexual life, then , please , never feign an orgasm.

33. It(he) does not need to be informed of the volume of your rules(rulers) this month.

34. A sentence to be learnt because it always pleases: " You want a small pipe my darling? "

35. To look at the football at the TV is a motive for exasperation. All right. Please , wait all the same for half to speak about it.

36. The male dirty linen can be classified in several categories: 1) has the appropriate(clean) air(sight) and smells good, 2) has the appropriate(clean) air(sight) but smells bad, 3) has the dirty air(sight) but smells good. Unless you intend to make(do) a complete washing(washing powder), try to destroy(annul) the arrangement. Organized in this way.

37. YES, Sharon Stone Anderson/Cindy Anderson/Cindy Crawford is more beautiful than you. Quite as Brad Pitt/Antonio Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Banderas/Keanu Reeves is sexier than him. But because neither you, nor have him(her) any luck(chance) to go out a day with the aforesaid persons, please , content yourselves with what you have.

38. Please , do not take all the coverages.

39. The male of " her(it) goes to the kitchen and does the dishes it " is " sits down in the armchair and watches TV ".

40. Macho man's feminine is My Thing(matter)!

 

The best car of the world, it is the woman!

In here is the reasons:

1-She(it) starts without crank but in the finger.

2-She(it) walks(works) with the senses(directions).

3-She(it) is useful with or without great-coat(hood).

4-One goes(takes) up her(it) without licence.

5-All the candles adapt themselves to it.

6-She(it) gets greasy automatically when the jet is profoundly.

7-She(it) drains away every month.

8-In the normal state, she(it) makes(does) of the 69.

9-settled(adjusted) well, she(it) makes(does) of the 100.

10-In case of fire, she(it) makes(does) the fireman.

11-One can go(take) up her(it) along the front of and from behind.

12-inflated well, she(it) likes new month.

13-It is antipollution, she swallows the smoke.

14-warmed well , well ground, she(it) fires suitably.

15-She(it) does not use(wear out) roads but biroutes.

16-In all the countries, she(it) enjoys of flattering one reputation.

17-The holding(dress) is correct on highway, irreproachable on biroute.

18-The safety(security) is even assured(insured) in the spins.

19-When one possesses a car of this type, one never finds the reverse.

20-In conglomeration, when she(it) takes a tail, she(it) sucks.

21-to keep(guard) her(it) in state, a single advice(council): please , wash her(it), but please , often wash her(it).

22-She(it) posséde a double(copy) mass airbag

23-She(it) consumes only 5ml by journey

24-optional back Defrosting

25-Attention, us you rappellons that the "Woman" exists only in version 3 carry(wear).

26-when one is really hot, without the great-coat(hood), it is all the same better

27-although one never met it, it is recognized that there are models simulators

28-the body is available in various models and tints

29-her(it) limps with speed is available in automatic or manual